Is it okay to rip up the artwork you created with so much love?

I questioned it for a whole year and finally did it in a few minutes over the weekend.

This was the in-progress piece — made up of many different-sized mandalas in watercolour and if you see closely, the lettering is sketched lightly in the center.

I made this beautiful framed border kind of an art piece right before a special event last year. I spent hours on it, working day and night to get it done before the big day. Much planning was involved — size, colours, the lettering that would come in the middle, framing, etc. And I did it diligently. Like my life depended on it. I kept aside many projects I had started to finish this one on time. At that time, I didn’t care. It turned out so gorgeous, I could hardly take my eyes off it and once it was framed, it looked even better. And when it was mounted and placed on an easel at the venue on the big day, I had tears in my eyes. Maybe this was like seeing love in plain sight, no?

I am being too much, ain't I?

The completed frame before adding in the lettering.

And then it all happened.

But then, after a few months, the situations changed and everything went mind-blowingly out of order. The following big day after the previous big day never happened. With 45 days to go, everything got called off due to unfortunate circumstances which left me torn. I was depressed for months.

But the artwork still lay there. In my room, in the corner. I painted over the lettering in the middle, but how would that matter — I still felt it there. I still could see it, like an X-ray. But it gave me some sort of satisfaction seeing it just plain. I could probably use it for something no? Maybe paint something colourful over it to wash away the wounds.

But I couldn’t make myself to do it. Over time, the artwork went deep inside a huge cupboard and I forgot about it for a while. As they say, “Out of sight, out of mind”. While I would open the cupboard to get my supplies, it was buried so much in the back, I never saw it, so I didn’t care much about it.

Until I decided to clean out the cupboard.

I wanted to throw out things, give some stuff to charity and sort all of it into baskets. That’s when the artwork poked its head again. And this time, I took it out and again kept it out to see if I really could do something about it. But getting it out brought back memories of all the things that happened last year and all that pain came back.

You can see a layer of paint in the middle and the rips, happening on the side. I took this photo just to keep as a reference if I ever want to make something like this again.

And that’s when I decided to rip it apart.

I realized even though I spent countless hours on the piece, and put my heart and soul into the piece, I didn’t want to see it anymore. I knew I could always recreate it if needed, but for now, I didn’t want it around me. I didn’t want to keep seeing the piece and get a rush of all those old feelings. The sadness and pains associated with the piece. So I took a big, fat pair of scissors and cut it right down the middle. Following this, I ripped it apart, piece by piece.

Do you want to know how I felt?

Liberated.

Like that painful, portion of myself was cut off. I felt so good after doing it. Yes, I was upset seeing all that work go to waste, but I needed that outlet for all the anger, pain and disgust going on in me. While ripping it up and dumping it in the trash, it felt like I was finally letting go of all that past. Yes, there are some days I think about it, but it's so minimal these days, that I ignore it and move on to doing the things I love. I am now starting multiple new projects which give me more joy than when I was creating that artwork. It feels peaceful now. Much happier.

A little warning though ...

I am not telling you to rip up stuff or burn the world down when you are annoyed, but if it helps you, do it. I wanted to remove that part of me, which is why I took the step. I realize there might be a lot of negativity around this, but you know what, you do you. If something is about you ripping up the stuff you made, burning photos, punching a punching bag, running miles or anything else, go ahead and do it. Release that pain, anger, disgust … any of those bad feelings. While I don’t promise you will feel 100% awesome immediately after that, in a few days, you will feel at least a bit of the heaviness lifted off you and a semblance of normalcy returning to yourself. At least to the piece of you that went through all that pain.

It also helps if you speak to someone about it. There is no shame in asking for help if you are going through more than needing to tear stuff up or do other things.

Please seek help.

If you’re feeling down in the dumps or want to rant, you can reach out to me via DMs on Instagram or drop your thoughts in the comments below. Let’s be there for each other :)